ADDICTION LIFE STORY 1

INTRODUCTION

As you know, the purpose of this blog is to raise awareness and provide inspiration to those battling the same problem. One of the ways to inspire others who are still battling the disease of addiction is by sharing life stories of recovering addicts.  This is also very therapeutic and freeing for the recovering addict himself.  So far, I have already posted on my experience with the following posts:-

 

·         Addiction

·         Addiction Rehab
·         Addictive Behavior

 

Now I am inviting other recovering addicts to share their life stories here.  I am also planning to invite family members of recovering addicts to share their stories.  It would be interesting to hear their side of the story.  If any of you readers know of any recovering addicts who have an interesting story to share, please feel free to email me.  Please read along and help to spread the awareness to people whom you know can benefit from it. 

Let’s introduce you to my first guest writer, Kevin who is a recovering addict. He is 34 years old and has been clean for 4 years plus now.

 

LIFE STORY BY KEVIN

 

HOW IT ALL STARTED?

I have four sisters. My father passed away about 3 years ago of throat and nose cancer while I was still in the center and I live with my mother now. My dad is a strong will person cause he battle and survive for more than twelve years on liquefied food after he had gone through his radio and chemotherapy. The doctor said he should be dead in within five years because people would naturally give up. Anyway, when I was young, my parents sent me to live with my aunt. I was always bullied by my two elder cousins there. At age six, I went back to stay with my parents and sisters. My parents would very often send me to a temple nearby for most of the day. At the temple, I would just follow whatever activity they have there. My parents did not show me any love and affection because we were poor and they need to earn for the family. My sisters are also not close to me. So there were not much communication within my family and most of the time, I was left alone. I hardly see my sisters or spend time with my parents and there is not much communications. So I came from a dysfunctional family.

 

At 14 years old, I started smoking, drinking and using drugs. The first feeling of "high" I got from the drug was the most amazing moment. I have been chasing to get the same feeling ever since which in fact you will never get back that first high. (But at that time I never knew that so I just kept increasing my dosage). My attendance in school was very poor but I always manage to get away with it. I was also quite popular in school and could even convince other students to give me money and I would use it to buy my supply and booze. I have quite a number of girlfriends but most of them did not last because I was never serious with them. When I was 15 years old, I finally manage to court this girl who lives near my place and I kind of knew her when I was twelve, and fell head over heels in love with her. She was very encouraging and always telling me that education is important. She is the 9A's type while I am the bump type. My relationship with her got very serious but after two years, she dumped me. I was heartbroken and fell into depression. I committed suicide by cutting my wrist at home but my father came home in time and saved me.

 

My drug use slowly became more rampant but still under control. When I turned 18, my friend asked me to join him to work. While I was working there, a customer noticed me and offered me a job to work with her company. I hesitated at first but later decided to accept the job after the third offer. So I joined this firm and was given free lodging at the company premise. I continued to use drugs while I was working. There was never a day that I have worked without the influence of drugs. (Not a day I was sober). I was naive to think that I was not an addict because I have a job and I could still function. I never admitted I was a junkie because I have a professional job and basically living in denial. I hardly go back to visit my family even though my boss would encourage me to do so. My boss and her husband were very kind people and they gave me a lot of support and encouragement. I often wonder whether they were aware of my drug use.

 

Every day after work, I would isolate myself in my room. Even when my boss holds a gathering with friends or family members at the company premise, I would only come down to eat and then disappear into my room. My room was my sanctity where I would be lost in my own world, my sanctuary, my higher state of ecstasy, and my play station. I drank a lot of cough syrup and build up a lot of tolerance so I needed sleeping pills to knock me off and I also experimented with all sorts of drugs. As my lodging and food were provided, my salary was literally paying for all my drug supply. So basically I was working for my drugs.  I tried heroine but did not like it. I actually love my drugs so much because my work performance was great and every client wanted me to handle their event and that kinda made me wanna use more. My dosage kept increasing.

 

After eight years later I finally got fed up and wanted to quit but I can't and the side effect was that I was so depressed, cause the type of drugs I'm using is a downer. So I started to take anti-depressant pill and also anxiety pills and nothing helps and that is when my situation had gone bad. And I was suicidal. My bosses have to keep bringing me to different clinic to sow up the slashes on my wrist and also the stab wounds cause I stab and cut myself.

 

I started to become unmanageable due to all the side effects of the drugs. I could not wake up in time to go to work but my performance was not affected as long as I'm using it. I crashed a few cars as I would suddenly black out while driving. I suffered from bowel problem and could not stop purging so my boss rushed me to the hospital one day. Apparently, it was due to the constant high dosage of cough syrup. Then I started to have hallucinations. There was one day when my colleague found a trail of blood from my room to the kitchen downstairs. They discovered that I had cut myself. Before that I committed suicide many times but they did not take my situation seriously. For I have given up hope on living, I was a living dead at that time. That was a wakeup call for my boss and they decided to intervene to help by checking me into a treatment center and even paid the fees for me. After 28 days, I found that I did not learn anything and when I came out, I relapsed. I checked into the center again but still did not learn anything and relapsed immediately after I got out. My addiction became worse despite all the encouragement given by my boss and her husband. They finally gave up and kicked me out of the company and I had to rent a room to live in because I could not go back to my family in this condition. And at that moment my hell begin, I started to use crystal meth, ketamine, erimin, ecstasy, weeds and hashish just to destroy myself and to get high. Just like how a woman will mix and match their clothing that’s what I did with my drugs - to amplify the effects and to experience euphoria.

 

REHAB

 

Finally, I decided to check into a Christian rehab center but before that I actually called my boss in the morning asking him was it a good idea for me to enter a rehab? I'm glad I took his advice. There was no established recovery program there except that we were taught about discipline and bible teachings. Initially, I suffered because of the withdrawal symptoms. For the first 15 months, I was defiant. I questioned everything they tried to advocate there so I was seen as a trouble maker. Simply because it feels like they're trying to indoctrinate me in becoming a Christian rather than character building and correction in attitude. Every day, I had to go through the ritual of exercise, prayers, bible reading and some casual work. I felt that I did not really learn anything about recovery there but I know that it is a safe place for me to be. I needed to stay clean. After 15 months, I became more calm and rational and finally accepted Christ. Being at the center was a safe haven for me cause it actually given me time to reflect and ponder over my actions in my life. I accepted Christ on 19.4.09 and got baptized on 6.8.11. Actually I kinda thank God that I became an addict, if not I wouldn't had known Him.

 
 

We know that in all things God works for good with those who love Him, those whom He has called according to His purpose.

                                                                                                                              romans 8:28
 

All this time, my family members were not involved with my recovery until I went to the Christian rehab. They did not understand and they felt that I caused the problem to myself. Even one my sister who works in a NGO that is afflicted to a church and have a lot of cases with addicts thinks that I am just like any other addict and that I cannot be helped. I spent 3 years and 9 months in this center and towards the end of my stay there my relationship with the family did not improve and nothing change. I had a family counseling session but things did not turned out well. I left the center after that and went back to stay with my mother. I am always label as an addict but I don't blame them cause of the stigma that other addicts had caused. But I am only humans with feelings too. They would lock the room door when I'm at home alone although I have not stolen before from the house.

 

ROOT CAUSE

I was told that every addict has a root cause to their problem and that it’s easy to quit but if we do not solve our root cause, we will easily relapse. I believe that the root cause of my problem was due to the lack of love and attention. As a young child, I was not showered with any love from my family members. I was left alone most of the time. So when I grew up, the only way I knew how to get attention was by doing all the wrong things. Even though I would get reprimanded for all the wrong doings but at least I did get the attention when all the focus was on me.

 

There was also a lack of communication in my family. Until today, they still think that my addiction problem was due to my own fault and they did not have any part in it. So I was required to solve my own problem. They also label me as the same with other addicts - no hope for change. They do not trust me. It hurts me deeply.  Of course, I also realize that I have caused a lot of pain to the family with my addiction problem.  But I often wonder why they were not interested to be involved in my recovery. Aren't they supposed to understand what the addict is facing and how they should show some care, concern and support? Don’t they know that they also contribute to the cause of my problem? When we attend therapy as family members of an addict, they would not acknowledge they are part of the problems. I really do not know whether my family members will one day turn around and be more understanding and encouraging. But I certainly know that I am on my own and I have to do whatever it takes for my own recovery. Cause I have no support from my family at all.

RECOVERY

 

After I came out from rehab, I stayed with my mother and she did not understand me at all. She felt that I was useless and resented me. I did not know what to do but I stayed away from all my addict friends. So most of the time, I stayed home and that irritated my mother. She felt that I should get a job but I felt that I wasn't ready.

 

After some time, my ex-boss offered me to work with them again. They still had faith in me. However, I was scared that I could not cope with regular work as I had never worked without the influence of drugs. So coming out into the world again after rehab was really scary for me. I had to learn to live and work like a normal person. I do not know how to be normal in the first place. I do not know how to make friends and socialize. But eventually, I agreed to work on a part time basis so that I do not get stressed and put myself in a vulnerable position. I know my weakness as I still missed my drugs. I still craved for it. But at the same time, I know I needed to stay clean as I do not want to go back to my destructive life. I want to have a normal life but sometimes I feel that being normal sucks. At times I just do not know how to cope and de-stress myself.

 

My part time work was progressing well. I started to earn money and it was a good feeling. I could contribute some money to my mother on a monthly basis and she seemed happy about it. Suddenly, I did not irritate her so much. However, there were days when I was working and I would be jolted with memories of how I was using drugs and doing the same activity in my job before. I miss it so much, and I learn to stay away from war stories cause it invokes too many memories. The recollection of my thoughts haunts me in my activities and conversation that the people I'm with. I had to learn to ignore these feelings and continue to work. The only person that I could talk to was my boss but she is not an addict and so could not understand me most of the time. Finally, I found another experienced recovering addict who was willing to listen and guide me. So I am happy that I have someone who could relate to my problems and give me the necessary advice.

 

I started to workout at a gym as I thought I needed the exercise and the endorphins and serotonin to make me feel good. It’s strange that no matter how hard I work out, it could not make me feel good like other normal people. I still suffer from insomnia so I make my body very tired with the workout in the hope that I could sleep better but until today, I still struggle to sleep.

 

After some months, my boss offered me a permanent job in a managerial position. They have a lot of hopes on me. I felt good but at the same time, I was worried and frighten whether I could cope. In the end, I decided to take up the offer and had a good talk with my sponsor who gave me a lot of encouragement. I have worked in this new position for a short period now and I hope that things will turn out well. I know that I have a lot to learn so I will try to focus on my career now. I need to be receptive and teachable if I wanna succeed and remain clean and also discipline and not forgetting God for He will make it happen.

 

CONCLUSION

 I was asked to share my learnings here but I find it hard to do so. You see, I did not have a normal life before so I cannot compare what my life was before and in recovery. But I know that I have wasted 15 years of my life on drugs.  I am already 34 years old and I have nothing now.   So I want to try to build a normal life for myself now and be financially independent.

 

I am fortunate that all the years of drug use did not leave me with a critical illness yet.  However, I still suffer from my bowel and bladder problems and muscle spasm as well. I have to clear my bowel and bladder much more frequently than normal people which can be quite inconvenient. My hands are still shaky. I have short term memory loss and I still suffer from insomnia. I still have some experience with hallucinations. It’s like when I am talking to someone, I could see from the side of my eyes that someone is staring at me. So I have learnt to control my mind by telling myself that it’s okay, it’s just a hallucination. Sometimes I am very serious and other times I am very cheerful and playful. It’s like a dual personality. (bipolar disorder symptoms). However, I have learnt to live with all these side effects and I am determined to take care of my health now. I do not drink, smoke or use drugs now but I am finding it difficult to socialize as most of my friends and colleagues tend to hang out in drinking places. So I stay away as I am not ready to expose myself to such vulnerability.

 

Perhaps I can say that it’s quite an achievement for me to stay clean for 4 years + now. Getting back to work and earning money is another achievement. Learning to live with the side effects of the drugs is another positive thing. I will try to continue with my efforts to stay clean, have a good career, save some money and maybe some time in the future, I will be so call ' normal. '

 

I could not have achieved what I have today without the support and encouragement of my boss and her husband. They had faith in me when everybody else had given up on me. I am deeply indebted to them and will never forget what they have done for me. The both of them supported me in every aspect and they also include me into their family activities and I thank God that they accepted such a person like me.

 

I deeply like to thank my bosses and also my sponsor for being there.  And thank God for giving me all these nice people around me.

 

So for all my buddies out there, if u wanna stay clean please I besiege you, I implore you to remember this,

Get rid of all bitterness, passion and anger. No more shouting and insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender hearted to one another, and to forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.

                                                                                                                   ephesians 4: 31,32
 

So let us be concerned for one another, to help one another to show love and to do good. Let us encourage one another all the more. The world may ostracize us but we must not give up. If God is for us, who can be against us?  So we need to stop telling ourself 'it’s just me against the world'.  My friends, if God can save me, He can save you too.  Peace ya'all.

 

Peace of mind is that mental condition in which you have accepted the worst. Life is like a grindstone - whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you're made of. So be careful of how you think, your life is shape by your thoughts.

How you THINK - How you FEEL - How you ACT...

 

 

 

Of course , my brothers, I really do not think that I have already won it, the one thing I do, however, is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead. So I run straight towards the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above.

                                                                                                                       philippians3:13,14

 Kevin

 

 

SERENITY PRAYER