CODEPENDENCY

During my early recovery from sleeping pills addiction, I learnt from a friend who is a recovering codependent that most addicts and family members of addicts are codependents.  Since then, I have read a book on codependency, done some research on it and also have been more observant of myself and others.  Strangely, I discovered that most people including myself do exhibit a certain degree of codependency without realising it.  According to the experts, if we have about 5 to 10% of codependency symptoms, we are still considered normal but a little bit of therapy may make us heal and feel happier.  Beyond that, we can consider ourselves codependent and really need help in order to recover.  Otherwise, it may ultimately lead to self-destruction. 

A healthy relationship is based on interdependence.  It is about forming connections with other people. We give and take.  We set boundaries.  We show our care and concern for others without neglecting our own needs. We are able to let go and have fun.  Whereas in a codependent relationship, it is a one sided relationship.  Codependents usually put aside their own needs in order to meet the needs of another person. They believe that this is what a 'good' spouse, 'good' parent, 'good' children, 'good' friend or 'good' employee/employer ought to do.  This is just not true.  Every situation is different and defining what is and isn't our responsibility can help us make better choices.




Break the chain of codependency

 

Codependency is a dysfunction that causes us to lose ourselves in relationships.  We ignore our feelings, needs and problems while obsessing on the feelings, needs, and problems of others.  We possess an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others, and struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries.  Thus, we experience relationships as stressful, and often suffer from anxiety, depression, guilt and resentment.





Codependents often suffers from feelings of low self-worth or self-esteem but we try to mask our feelings by adopting a care taking role of others, fixing other people's problems, joking/wisecracking/clowning around or pleasing other people so that we appear to have a good image on the outside.  These actions are actually giving us a sense of importance, relieving loneliness, and/or avoiding working on our own issues and needs. It has been said that "When a codependent dies, someone else's life flashes before their eyes!". 

Here are some examples of codependency behaviours which we can find even among family members or  friends:-

1.  Mothers or wives of addicts who can't stop giving money to the addicts to buy their supply because

     they felt  pity for the addicts and blamed themselves for the addicts' problems.  They do not realise that  
     they are not helping but are enabling the addicts instead.

2.  Men or women who spends a great deal of their lives taking care of their aged and sick parent  
     without having a life of their own and neglecting their own needs.  When the parent dies, they feel lost
     and have no sense of purpose anymore.  They are unable to cope with the break of the routine and
     structure. 

3.  Wives who manipulate their control on their husbands and children by attending to all their needs so
     much so that the entire family becomes totally dependent on them.  So without them, the whole family will

     crumble.

4.  Women who are unable to let go of abusive relationships because they fear being alone without anyone
      to take care of.

If you are wondering whether you are codependent, see whether you can relate to the following list of most common symptoms of codependency:-

• Putting other people's needs before our own.
• Feeling responsible for other people's behaviours and feelings.
• Having low self-esteem but feel good when having done something for others.
• Having problem saying 'No' to other people because of the tendency towards people-pleasing.
• Afraid of being rejected by others or hurting other people's feelings.
• Feels resentment towards people who wont let us help them.
• Needs to be 'needed' to have relationship with people.
• Enables the person with the problem to keep going down the wrong path and denies to the person that he/she has a problem.
• Withdraws from others and acts like we don't care what others have to say.
• Doesn't realise that we have a problem and thinks that we are helping the troubled person when we are really not.
• Try to control events and people through manipulation.
• Unable to let go even in an abusive relationship.
• Unable to express feelings and afraid of intimacy

In the later stages of codependency, codependents may feel lethargic or depressed, become withdrawn and isolated, seek alternatives to living by pursuing other 'escape' activities, experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure or begin to have suicidal thoughts.  Examples of 'escape' activities are when people generally feel unhappy, bored or anxious unless they are playing video games, gambling, using drugs or alcohol, shopping, eating, pursuing a relationship, looking for sexual gratification, 'fixing' other people's lives and problems and even escaping into religion and 'converting' others to their beliefs.  Looking at the reality of the way we live our lives can help us determine if our lives are beginning to be unmanageble due to codependence.

Just like addiction, codependency is a disease as there is no cure for it.  So is recovery possible?  Absolutely.  Here are some of the steps for treatment and prevention:-

• Admit that we have a problem.
• Understand that we did not cause the other person's problems.  We can't control the other person and we can't cure or save the person.
• Do not make excuse for ourself or others for the person.  Accept that the person has a real problem and needs help.
• Join a support group for codependents such as Al-Anon or Codependent Anonymous (CODA).  It is a spiritual (not religious) program and can work even if you are an atheist.  You will not be persuaded to give up your religious/spiritual or atheistic beliefs.  It is merely a method by which you learn to change your codependent behavior.
• Try as hard as we can to stop being a codependent for this person.  The more we refrain, the closer we will be to helping our self and the other.  Your group support and Higher Power can help you with this.
• Seek therapy as codependency may be rooted in childhood.  Therapy can also help to identify the underlying cause of codependency.
• Be responsible for ourself and others in the family to live a better life and make sure that we are healthy and happy.
• Spend time on more productive and meaningful things for ourself as well as the community.

Recovery requires conscious effort to change.  We need to be honest with ourselves.  We need the help and experience of others who are in recovery.  We need a good and relevant therapist to help us see the light.  We need to accept our powerlessness over people and events. We need friends who are open and honest with us and we need to be open to their feedback. Very often, a part of being codependent is a resistance to being able to have fun and play.  So as part of recovery, we need to learn how to let go and have fun. Ultimately, we must have the courage to change.  We all deserve to find peace and happiness.


"Recovery is learning to function in relationships." -- Melody Beattie

There is a free local support group called Co-dependent Anonymous (CODA) Malaysia.  For more information, please call Renu at 012-6839544 or check out their website at  http://codamalaysia.wordpress.com

ADDICTION LIFE STORY 1

INTRODUCTION

As you know, the purpose of this blog is to raise awareness and provide inspiration to those battling the same problem. One of the ways to inspire others who are still battling the disease of addiction is by sharing life stories of recovering addicts.  This is also very therapeutic and freeing for the recovering addict himself.  So far, I have already posted on my experience with the following posts:-

 

·         Addiction

·         Addiction Rehab
·         Addictive Behavior

 

Now I am inviting other recovering addicts to share their life stories here.  I am also planning to invite family members of recovering addicts to share their stories.  It would be interesting to hear their side of the story.  If any of you readers know of any recovering addicts who have an interesting story to share, please feel free to email me.  Please read along and help to spread the awareness to people whom you know can benefit from it. 

Let’s introduce you to my first guest writer, Kevin who is a recovering addict. He is 34 years old and has been clean for 4 years plus now.

 

LIFE STORY BY KEVIN

 

HOW IT ALL STARTED?

I have four sisters. My father passed away about 3 years ago of throat and nose cancer while I was still in the center and I live with my mother now. My dad is a strong will person cause he battle and survive for more than twelve years on liquefied food after he had gone through his radio and chemotherapy. The doctor said he should be dead in within five years because people would naturally give up. Anyway, when I was young, my parents sent me to live with my aunt. I was always bullied by my two elder cousins there. At age six, I went back to stay with my parents and sisters. My parents would very often send me to a temple nearby for most of the day. At the temple, I would just follow whatever activity they have there. My parents did not show me any love and affection because we were poor and they need to earn for the family. My sisters are also not close to me. So there were not much communication within my family and most of the time, I was left alone. I hardly see my sisters or spend time with my parents and there is not much communications. So I came from a dysfunctional family.

 

At 14 years old, I started smoking, drinking and using drugs. The first feeling of "high" I got from the drug was the most amazing moment. I have been chasing to get the same feeling ever since which in fact you will never get back that first high. (But at that time I never knew that so I just kept increasing my dosage). My attendance in school was very poor but I always manage to get away with it. I was also quite popular in school and could even convince other students to give me money and I would use it to buy my supply and booze. I have quite a number of girlfriends but most of them did not last because I was never serious with them. When I was 15 years old, I finally manage to court this girl who lives near my place and I kind of knew her when I was twelve, and fell head over heels in love with her. She was very encouraging and always telling me that education is important. She is the 9A's type while I am the bump type. My relationship with her got very serious but after two years, she dumped me. I was heartbroken and fell into depression. I committed suicide by cutting my wrist at home but my father came home in time and saved me.

 

My drug use slowly became more rampant but still under control. When I turned 18, my friend asked me to join him to work. While I was working there, a customer noticed me and offered me a job to work with her company. I hesitated at first but later decided to accept the job after the third offer. So I joined this firm and was given free lodging at the company premise. I continued to use drugs while I was working. There was never a day that I have worked without the influence of drugs. (Not a day I was sober). I was naive to think that I was not an addict because I have a job and I could still function. I never admitted I was a junkie because I have a professional job and basically living in denial. I hardly go back to visit my family even though my boss would encourage me to do so. My boss and her husband were very kind people and they gave me a lot of support and encouragement. I often wonder whether they were aware of my drug use.

 

Every day after work, I would isolate myself in my room. Even when my boss holds a gathering with friends or family members at the company premise, I would only come down to eat and then disappear into my room. My room was my sanctity where I would be lost in my own world, my sanctuary, my higher state of ecstasy, and my play station. I drank a lot of cough syrup and build up a lot of tolerance so I needed sleeping pills to knock me off and I also experimented with all sorts of drugs. As my lodging and food were provided, my salary was literally paying for all my drug supply. So basically I was working for my drugs.  I tried heroine but did not like it. I actually love my drugs so much because my work performance was great and every client wanted me to handle their event and that kinda made me wanna use more. My dosage kept increasing.

 

After eight years later I finally got fed up and wanted to quit but I can't and the side effect was that I was so depressed, cause the type of drugs I'm using is a downer. So I started to take anti-depressant pill and also anxiety pills and nothing helps and that is when my situation had gone bad. And I was suicidal. My bosses have to keep bringing me to different clinic to sow up the slashes on my wrist and also the stab wounds cause I stab and cut myself.

 

I started to become unmanageable due to all the side effects of the drugs. I could not wake up in time to go to work but my performance was not affected as long as I'm using it. I crashed a few cars as I would suddenly black out while driving. I suffered from bowel problem and could not stop purging so my boss rushed me to the hospital one day. Apparently, it was due to the constant high dosage of cough syrup. Then I started to have hallucinations. There was one day when my colleague found a trail of blood from my room to the kitchen downstairs. They discovered that I had cut myself. Before that I committed suicide many times but they did not take my situation seriously. For I have given up hope on living, I was a living dead at that time. That was a wakeup call for my boss and they decided to intervene to help by checking me into a treatment center and even paid the fees for me. After 28 days, I found that I did not learn anything and when I came out, I relapsed. I checked into the center again but still did not learn anything and relapsed immediately after I got out. My addiction became worse despite all the encouragement given by my boss and her husband. They finally gave up and kicked me out of the company and I had to rent a room to live in because I could not go back to my family in this condition. And at that moment my hell begin, I started to use crystal meth, ketamine, erimin, ecstasy, weeds and hashish just to destroy myself and to get high. Just like how a woman will mix and match their clothing that’s what I did with my drugs - to amplify the effects and to experience euphoria.

ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOUR

Although my addiction to sleeping pills was due to my knee pain, I realize that I also have an addictive behaviour. When I fell sick in the past, I would very often request the doctor to prescribe me with a heavier dose of medicines and for a longer period. My excuses were such as "I have an important meeting to attend" or "I have to go on a business travel" or something else. If I need to travel overseas for work, I will worry about sleep, so I will always carry sleeping pills with me. Even if I self-medicate for a common cold or flu, I will tend to take a few more tablets than required. In the case of shopping, I felt instant gratification for buying something nice and expensive but it may not necessarily be something that I need. These are typical patterns of an addictive behaviour. And my knee pain was just the trigger for me to fall into a full blown addiction to sleeping pills.

WHAT IS AN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOUR?

Addictive behaviour is defined as one which is characterized by or susceptible to addiction. There is no single set of characteristics that fit all addicts but there are some shared similarities with different addicts. These are some common characteristics of addictive behaviours:-

· Low self esteem                                   · Compulsiveness

· Obsessiveness                                      · Need instant gratification

· Perfectionist                                         · Insecurity

· Depression or anxiety                          · Loneliness

· Aggressiveness                                    · Lack of self-control

· Lack of love and affection                   · Self-destructive

· Impatience                                           · Co-dependent

People with addictive behaviour do not necessarily mean that they will be destined to develop an addiction problem. Some of them still are able to make positive life choices. However, they must become more aware of the potential dangers of addiction.

WHAT IS ADDICTION?

Addiction is defined as a means "to devote or surrender oneself to something habitually or obsessively; behaviour that impairs the performance of a vital function, a harmful environment." Addiction causes you to lose your sense of balance and rationality. Beneath all addictions is a longing for immediate gratification - to feel good, powerful, worthy of admiration, problem free and an insistence on ignoring the long-range self-destructive implications of the behaviour. In simpler term, addiction is an out-of-control habit.

WHAT CAN WE BE ADDICTED TO?

A person can become addicted, dependent or compulsively obsessed with anything. It can be broken down as:-

Psychological addiction such as work, shopping, exercise, video/online games, gambling, sex, eating disorder etc.

Physical addiction such as drugs and alcohol. This occurs when the body has to adjust to the substance by incorporating the substance into its "normal" function. This state creates the conditions of tolerance and withdrawal. Tolerance is the process by which the body continually adapts to the substance and requires increasingly larger amounts to achieve the original effects.

Withdrawal refers to both physical and psychological symptoms that people experience when reducing or discontinuing a substance the body had become dependent on. Symptoms of withdrawal generally include but are not limited to anxiety, irritability, intense cravings for the substance, seizure, nausea, hallucinations, headaches, cold sweats and tremors.

Most physical addiction also has a psychological addiction. For example, an alcoholic who has not used alcohol for years may still crave a drink. This is referred to as a "Dry Drunk" syndrome. Normally, recovering addicts require a lot of help such as an established program, support groups, counseling, behavioural therapy etc. However, in such instance, the addict simply stopped drinking without any proper help, understanding of addiction, issues involved etc. Therefore, the addict remains emotionally disturbed, mentally unstable and vulnerable to relapse.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF ADDICTION?

Some people ask "Can I be physically dependent on prescription medicines and not have an addiction?". The answer is "yes". If you depend on sleeping pills to sleep or pain killers to control pain but you can keep it within a low dosage, you do not have an addiction yet. But if you are told by your doctor to reduce the amount of the pills you are taking, your body will probably react by giving you very vivid dreams or you may toss or turn and be unable to sleep for a few nights. This is because your body has already become physically dependent to some degree on the pills and is reacting to the loss of the medication. So as long as you can control your choices, you are not addicted but you are at risk.

Some people use recreational drugs over the weekend. They can still keep control over how much and how often they use them. Many people can regularly drink limited amounts of alcohol too. The problem is that many people gradually lose control over how much they use and are overcome by the increasingly strong desire to consume more and more. Sometimes, a certain crisis such as an emotional trauma due to relationship, work, health, financial problem etc. can trigger a full blown addiction. In my case, it was the knee pain.  Here's a link to a real life example as a point of reference.   

http://www.thatslife.com.au/Article/Real-Life/Real-Life-Stories/I-was-an-alcoholic

Most people who are addicted to certain substances are very aware of their addictions and even the harms caused by the addiction but keep doing it anyway. This is because they feel they cannot cope without the addiction and they are avoiding having to deal with the real issues. It is only when a crisis happens and the substance is taken away completely, then the person goes into withdrawal and cannot cope. The most obvious sign of addiction is when the addict's life has become unmanageable.

MY ADDICTION TREATMENT

GENERAL OVERVIEW

If you have read my post on addiction, you may be interested to read about my experience in rehab.  Though it has been many years but I still have vivid memories of my experience there. 

It was a 28 days program at the treatment centre.  If you have seen the movie called 28 DAYS starring Sandra Bullock which is my favourite movie about addiction, you would have some idea of the concept of such treatment centres.  28 days might seem very short but for me, it seemed like an eternity and the amount of things that happened during this period were unbelievable.  I have seen the effects of addiction resulting in bipolar, schizophrenia, hysteria, verbal abuse and some really bizarre behaviours.  It was really an eye opener for me.

The drug of choice for addicts seeking treatment at the centre includes heroine, alcohol, gambling, sex, overeating and some other types of drugs.  Heroine was the most popular followed by alcohol.  Cross addiction was also very common.  It means being addicted to more than one drug.  I learnt that drugs and alcohol has different effects on different addicts.  If the drugs or alcohol makes the addicts very active, then they will have problem sleeping and so they will consume sleeping pills. On the other hand, if the drugs or alcohol acted as downers for the addicts, I learnt that some will resort to caffeine to keep themselves awake the next day for work.  There was one alcoholic who was also addicted to caffeine because she consumed huge amounts of coffee to keep herself awake at work.  And she eventually suffered a severe headache as the withdrawal symptom.  

There was one person who was addicted to alcohol and gambling.  He told me that when he was gambling, he also consumed lots of alcohol.  After that, he was so high that he can't remember what happened before he collapsed.  When he woke up the next day, the first thing he did was to check his ATM receipts and was shocked to find out that he had made several withdrawals.  Another addict with overeating disorder will spend a lot of money on junk food and alcohol and consumed everything at one go.  Then she will poke her fingers to the back of her throat to make herself puke.  This action resulted in multiple scars on her fingers.   I met another addict who was a doctor and he relapsed after 20 years which just goes to show that no one is exempted from relapse.  He was addicted to heroine and because of his job, he had access to the drug.  It just took one moment of vulnerability for the relapse.  I also learnt from one sex addict that he would comb the streets every night in his car looking for hookers. He was also addicted to gambling and he already had a fiance. 

Many incidents happened at the centre.  One addict became hysterical.  Another addict who also has bipolar would just suddenly burst out in verbal abuse and seemed capable of beating someone up. So because of the danger that he could cause to others, he was kicked out from the centre.  Some addicts were forced to be admitted into the centre by their families thereby causing lots of denial and behavioural problems.   There were also incidents of some runaways, some who smuggled drugs into the centre and some who literally just checked into the centre for some sort of holiday or break without serious thoughts of recovery. 

I cannot forget one middle aged lady who was always dressed in a prim and proper manner.  She was so arrogant, rude and defencive.  I found it amusing that she always claimed that she is not an addict and that she does not need any help.  She said that the only reason she came to the centre was that she was forced by her children.  She also claimed that she was clinically depressed and that anti depressants were her saviour.  One day, when we had a lecture on depression, she openly disagreed with the lecturer that drugs can cause depression.  She took it so personal and ended up arguing with the lecturer and subsequently, walked out of the room.  She hated everyone.  She even told me directly that she did not like me because I was bold enough to speak up about her untoward behaviour in group.  Well, I did not have to get angry with her for long as she was thrown out of the centre.

There were just too many other incidents and experiences to describe here.  But despite all the things that happened in the centre, life goes on.  We have a strict program to follow under the supervision of the nurses and counsellors who were recovering addicts and they were excellent at their job.

MY ADDICTION LIFESTORY

I used to sleep like a baby before I developed Osteoarthritis (OA) in my knees.  However, after suffering from knee pain for some time, I started having sleep problems.  Not only was I disturbed by the pain in the knees but also the stiffness when I sleep.  So I started to take sleeping pills and it seemed to solve my problem.  The next day I would wake up after a good sleep and my knees would feel better already.  Then the pain and stiffness comes back after moving about the whole day.  Initially, the sleeping pill seemed like a wonderful solution.  But after a period of time, I had to consume more and more to get the same effect.  Eventually, I became addicted to it.

In the past, I wasn't active especially during the years when I had to take care of my children while having a full time job.  When I had OA, I naively thought that I should not move too much so that the condition of my knees would not be aggravated.   During my active addiction with sleeping pills, I became depressed and isolated.  I put on so much weight that my belly looked like I was 6 months pregnant.  I started to lose my mind as I could not think straight nor make any simple decisions.  Then I started having symptoms like seeing dots on the television screen.  I started to panic and decided to stop consuming the pills.  During this time, I had already stopped working and started to go to the gym thinking that I needed to do something healthy.  The day I stopped taking the pills, I went to the gym and I had a seizure attack at the car park and collapsed beside my car.  I was rushed to the hospital and when I woke up, my family members were there.  I was told that I had a seizure and the doctor had calmed me down with some Valium.  I was so fortunate that nothing happened except that my shoulders were hurt due to the fall.  So I stayed at the hospital for observation and was discharged after two nights.

After 3 months, I relapsed.  This time, it was worst.  Within a short period of time, I was consuming a high dosage of the sleeping pills and I started to develop all the same symptoms.  My husband was suspicious of my addiction and I finally confessed to him and gave him all the pills that I had in my possession.  In fact, he was worried about me just giving up totally instead of gradually.  That night, I had a seizure again on my bed and my husband saw the whole episode which left him scarred for some time.  My sisters helped to call an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital again.  After some medical tests, the doctor told me that I had elevated sugar, cholesterol and blood pressure.  I knew something had to be done but I was lost.

After I was discharged, my family intervened and they found a treatment centre overseas as there wasn't any locally.  I agreed to go there and totally surrendered myself.  Going to this treatment centre was the best decision ever.  It saved my life.  I began to understand my addictive behaviours and also found that the root cause of my problem was due to my knee pain.  I also discovered that when a person consumed a high dosage of sleeping pills and stopped suddenly, the body will experience a seizure which is the withdrawal symptom.  And that was what happened to me. 

During my treatment, a program was drawn up for me. It was based on a NA 12 steps program. There were lots of lectures, family/group counselings, self improvement, relaxation activities etc.  I had to do a brisk walk every morning and was put on a low fat diet.  It was very tough initially because I was so unfit and overweight.  But I improved gradually and in the end lost quite a bit of weight.  My belly was gone and my health conditions improved tremendously.  There was one day, when we hiked up a hill which was quite tough but when we reached the top, there was a huge rainbow across the sky.  All of us just stood there to suck up the whole environment.   Just then, an overwhelming emotion struck me.... I felt so great to be alive! 

During the 28 days at the treatment centre, I learned so much and graduated with flying colours. My sister in law even brought a tape for my farewell at the centre and the special song was called "Wish me luck and wave goodbye to me".  I think its from the thirties but it was so apt.  So the next step my Counsellor said was for me to decide which road I want to take - road to recovery or relapse?  Of course, I chose the road to recovery because without recovery, I would lose everything that is important to me.    You know, I realised that one of the best thing during my early recovery was to have my mind back.  You can imagine the relief I felt after what my mind has gone through.  And there is one celebrity who summed it all up by saying ... "Of all the things I lost to addiction, I miss my mind the most".