If you have read my post on addiction, you may be interested to read about my experience in rehab. Though it has been many years but I still have vivid memories of my experience there.
It was a 28 days program at the treatment centre. If you have seen the movie called 28 DAYS starring Sandra Bullock which is my favourite movie about addiction, you would have some idea of the concept of such treatment centres. 28 days might seem very short but for me, it seemed like an eternity and the amount of things that happened during this period were unbelievable. I have seen the effects of addiction resulting in bipolar, schizophrenia, hysteria, verbal abuse and some really bizarre behaviours. It was really an eye opener for me.
The drug of choice for addicts seeking treatment at the centre includes heroine, alcohol, gambling, sex, overeating and some other types of drugs. Heroine was the most popular followed by alcohol. Cross addiction was also very common. It means being addicted to more than one drug. I learnt that drugs and alcohol has different effects on different addicts. If the drugs or alcohol makes the addicts very active, then they will have problem sleeping and so they will consume sleeping pills. On the other hand, if the drugs or alcohol acted as downers for the addicts, I learnt that some will resort to caffeine to keep themselves awake the next day for work. There was one alcoholic who was also addicted to caffeine because she consumed huge amounts of coffee to keep herself awake at work. And she eventually suffered a severe headache as the withdrawal symptom.
There was one person who was addicted to alcohol and gambling. He told me that when he was gambling, he also consumed lots of alcohol. After that, he was so high that he can't remember what happened before he collapsed. When he woke up the next day, the first thing he did was to check his ATM receipts and was shocked to find out that he had made several withdrawals. Another addict with overeating disorder will spend a lot of money on junk food and alcohol and consumed everything at one go. Then she will poke her fingers to the back of her throat to make herself puke. This action resulted in multiple scars on her fingers. I met another addict who was a doctor and he relapsed after 20 years which just goes to show that no one is exempted from relapse. He was addicted to heroine and because of his job, he had access to the drug. It just took one moment of vulnerability for the relapse. I also learnt from one sex addict that he would comb the streets every night in his car looking for hookers. He was also addicted to gambling and he already had a fiance.
Many incidents happened at the centre. One addict became hysterical. Another addict who also has bipolar would just suddenly burst out in verbal abuse and seemed capable of beating someone up. So because of the danger that he could cause to others, he was kicked out from the centre. Some addicts were forced to be admitted into the centre by their families thereby causing lots of denial and behavioural problems. There were also incidents of some runaways, some who smuggled drugs into the centre and some who literally just checked into the centre for some sort of holiday or break without serious thoughts of recovery.
I cannot forget one middle aged lady who was always dressed in a prim and proper manner. She was so arrogant, rude and defencive. I found it amusing that she always claimed that she is not an addict and that she does not need any help. She said that the only reason she came to the centre was that she was forced by her children. She also claimed that she was clinically depressed and that anti depressants were her saviour. One day, when we had a lecture on depression, she openly disagreed with the lecturer that drugs can cause depression. She took it so personal and ended up arguing with the lecturer and subsequently, walked out of the room. She hated everyone. She even told me directly that she did not like me because I was bold enough to speak up about her untoward behaviour in group. Well, I did not have to get angry with her for long as she was thrown out of the centre.
There were just too many other incidents and experiences to describe here. But despite all the things that happened in the centre, life goes on. We have a strict program to follow under the supervision of the nurses and counsellors who were recovering addicts and they were excellent at their job.
RECOVERY PROGRAM
Every morning, we start with a brisk walk for an hour around the vicinity of the centre. Sometimes we take different routes to make it more interesting. The first week was a real struggle for me. I was panting and huffing away and always ended up being the last to reach the destination. My fitness level improved gradually but even then, I was always the last to reach until one day, there was an elderly member who joined us, then I became second last. That was some satisfaction!
Even though my knees were so sore, stiff and painful after the walks but I was able to manage the pain better. I learnt that when we exercise, our body produce endorphins which is like a natural drug. That's why we feel good after exercising. And because of that, I was able to stay positive and disciplined unlike in the past, I would be moaning and groaning about the pain. As my overweight body became a burden to my arthritic knees, I was also put on a low fat diet. This coupled with my daily brisk walk had actually helped me to lose quite a bit of weight.
Our program at the centre includes NA step work, daily reading and reflection, meditation, sharing of our life stories, lectures, setting of personal and group goals, peer evaluation, group counselling and attending external meetings such as NA, AA, Al Anon and aftercare meetings. We were also given responsibilities to do certain chores or lead the team in some activity. Once a week, we have a family day so that was the most exciting day in the week. I would look forward to see my sister and brother in law and do a lot of catching up with them.
When I checked into the centre, I had already surrendered and admitted that I am an addict and that my life had become unmanageable. So I did not struggle with denial problems. The next thing I had to do was to identify the root cause of my problem. As they say, it is easy to quit using but staying clean is difficult. If we do not solve the root cause of our problem, then the possibility of relapse is very high. Fortunately, I was able to identify my knee pain as the root cause of my problem. So I had to develop a plan to overcome the problem and commit to it during my time at the centre and also after I return home.
Most addicts also struggle with one of the NA steps that require us to consider that there is a power greater than ourselves - a power capable to heal our hurt, calm our confusion and restore our sanity. Yes, we are insane. And we are insane because we keep repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. We are insane enough to think that this time it will be different. In this exercise, we were encouraged to choose a power that is loving, caring and most importantly, able to restore our sanity. It does not necessarily relate to religion. Well, I did not have to struggle with this as I do believe in a higher power. I believed in the NA 12 steps as it has helped me to understand about my addiction and take necessary actions for recovery. And recovery has helped to restore my sanity and freedom.
While my husband was still in the country, we had a family therapy session with the Counsellor and my sister and brother in law also joined in. I had never experienced such therapy session before but it was the best thing ever. Firstly, we discussed about my aftercare plan. Then the Counsellor made my husband and I open up about any issues we have with each other. And so we did even though it was a struggle and an emotional moment. Then she helped us to develop a plan for us to improve on the issues and make us commit to it. This has certainly helped to improve communication between my husband and I and between my husband and my children. We also committed to spend time together once a week without the children. For the first time, I could see how such therapy really helped to improve relationships.
My favourite activity was group counselling as we get to explore real living issues that affects our lives. We were broken up into smaller groups and each group was facilitated by a Counsellor. The issues we faced in group includes low self esteem, attitude problems, dishonesty, lack of communication and trust, relationship problems and so forth. Yes, group can get very emotional. I cried once while relating some issues but at the same time, its also very therapeutic. And it can get very heated up too especially when members start arguing. Its amazing that the Counsellors can really gauge the issues of each addict from the way we communicate in the group. We were taught to address underlying living issues and develop program to change in order to recover. This was really enlightening and it has helped me to overcome a problem I had with one member in our group. There was another member who refused to change her attitude despite being warned by the Counsellor and as predicted, she relapsed immediately after she graduated from the centre. This has taught us that all addicts have character defects and if we do not make an effort to change, we will easily relapse.
Another issue that we have to deal with was the hurt that we have caused to people during our addiction. So in one of our step work, we have to make an effort to apologise and make amends to them. It doesn't matter whether our actions were caused by the addiction or not. We were so caught up with resentment, blame and self-pity to think about others. So our task was to identify who we have harmed and what the harm was, and become willing to make amends. When we spoke about this in group, it was an emotional moment for us. We realised that we hurt our spouses, children, parents and other members in the family including friends. So I made an effort to send a card to all the people that I have hurt and apologise to them. With every card that I wrote, my tears kept falling down. But it was the most freeing, humbling and serene thing that I have ever done.
I have actually made some friends at the centre as well as in aftercare meetings which was held outside the centre. Such meetings were attended by recovering addicts who have graduated and went back to work. Once a week, we would join them to gain the exposure. I met one young lady in one of these meetings. She had graduated not long and seemed very happy. She just started working in a place that she liked very much. She seemed to be doing well in recovery and I was happy for her. Shortly afterwards, we heard that she died of an overdose and it was the most shocking news to us. It was unbelievable. One moment she was happy and the next, she was dead. We were told by our Counsellor that it was a typical case of addicts in recovery. Some addicts would feel that when they are doing so well, they deserve to treat themselves once and that one time ended up killing them. This is because they tend to use the same amount of drug or more without realising that their tolerance level is not the same anymore.
In fact, there was another death during my stay there but this was another addict from aftercare meeting whom I did not know very well. I have also heard of quite a number of relapses. There was one lecture about relapse where the Counsellor said that the statistics for relapse is 90%. Its a scary number. And the fact remains that no one is exempted from relapse. That's why I have to make conscious effort to stay clean in my recovery and follow through with my aftercare plans. One of the most important lesson I learnt from the centre was that if I had not chosen recovery, I would have lost everything that is important to me.
I am so grateful that I had a chance to seek treatment at this centre. Leaving the centre was just the start of my recovery. Recovery is a process. Its like a journey without a destination. That's why we are known as recovering addicts and not former addicts or ex-addicts. With all the experiences that I have gone through, I emerged stronger and more determined in my own recovery.
The abbreviations indicated above stands for; Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Al Anon is a fellowship of relatives and friends of addicts who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems.
For anyone battling addiction problem, you do not need to suffer in silence. There is a free local support service available. Take that first step to ask for help. Call Sheila at 019-6159886 or email to sheila106@live.ie.
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