MY ADDICTION LIFESTORY

I used to sleep like a baby before I developed Osteoarthritis (OA) in my knees.  However, after suffering from knee pain for some time, I started having sleep problems.  Not only was I disturbed by the pain in the knees but also the stiffness when I sleep.  So I started to take sleeping pills and it seemed to solve my problem.  The next day I would wake up after a good sleep and my knees would feel better already.  Then the pain and stiffness comes back after moving about the whole day.  Initially, the sleeping pill seemed like a wonderful solution.  But after a period of time, I had to consume more and more to get the same effect.  Eventually, I became addicted to it.

In the past, I wasn't active especially during the years when I had to take care of my children while having a full time job.  When I had OA, I naively thought that I should not move too much so that the condition of my knees would not be aggravated.   During my active addiction with sleeping pills, I became depressed and isolated.  I put on so much weight that my belly looked like I was 6 months pregnant.  I started to lose my mind as I could not think straight nor make any simple decisions.  Then I started having symptoms like seeing dots on the television screen.  I started to panic and decided to stop consuming the pills.  During this time, I had already stopped working and started to go to the gym thinking that I needed to do something healthy.  The day I stopped taking the pills, I went to the gym and I had a seizure attack at the car park and collapsed beside my car.  I was rushed to the hospital and when I woke up, my family members were there.  I was told that I had a seizure and the doctor had calmed me down with some Valium.  I was so fortunate that nothing happened except that my shoulders were hurt due to the fall.  So I stayed at the hospital for observation and was discharged after two nights.

After 3 months, I relapsed.  This time, it was worst.  Within a short period of time, I was consuming a high dosage of the sleeping pills and I started to develop all the same symptoms.  My husband was suspicious of my addiction and I finally confessed to him and gave him all the pills that I had in my possession.  In fact, he was worried about me just giving up totally instead of gradually.  That night, I had a seizure again on my bed and my husband saw the whole episode which left him scarred for some time.  My sisters helped to call an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital again.  After some medical tests, the doctor told me that I had elevated sugar, cholesterol and blood pressure.  I knew something had to be done but I was lost.

After I was discharged, my family intervened and they found a treatment centre overseas as there wasn't any locally.  I agreed to go there and totally surrendered myself.  Going to this treatment centre was the best decision ever.  It saved my life.  I began to understand my addictive behaviours and also found that the root cause of my problem was due to my knee pain.  I also discovered that when a person consumed a high dosage of sleeping pills and stopped suddenly, the body will experience a seizure which is the withdrawal symptom.  And that was what happened to me. 

During my treatment, a program was drawn up for me. It was based on a NA 12 steps program. There were lots of lectures, family/group counselings, self improvement, relaxation activities etc.  I had to do a brisk walk every morning and was put on a low fat diet.  It was very tough initially because I was so unfit and overweight.  But I improved gradually and in the end lost quite a bit of weight.  My belly was gone and my health conditions improved tremendously.  There was one day, when we hiked up a hill which was quite tough but when we reached the top, there was a huge rainbow across the sky.  All of us just stood there to suck up the whole environment.   Just then, an overwhelming emotion struck me.... I felt so great to be alive! 

During the 28 days at the treatment centre, I learned so much and graduated with flying colours. My sister in law even brought a tape for my farewell at the centre and the special song was called "Wish me luck and wave goodbye to me".  I think its from the thirties but it was so apt.  So the next step my Counsellor said was for me to decide which road I want to take - road to recovery or relapse?  Of course, I chose the road to recovery because without recovery, I would lose everything that is important to me.    You know, I realised that one of the best thing during my early recovery was to have my mind back.  You can imagine the relief I felt after what my mind has gone through.  And there is one celebrity who summed it all up by saying ... "Of all the things I lost to addiction, I miss my mind the most".

I have been clean for many years now and have learnt a lot of valuable lessons from my experience with addiction.  Here are some of the important lessons I have learnt:-

1.  EXERCISE - With OA , I still need to continue to do low impact exercise regularly otherwise,     

     the condition will deteriorate even faster.  Its like the saying "if you don't use it, you will lose it". 

     I discovered that whether I exercise or not, my knees are still painful and stiff.  So I might

     as well exercise so that my body is healthy and I sleep better.  On top of that, I get a natural

     high from the exercise which makes me feel good and keeps my mind positive so I am able to

     manage my pain better.  

2.  BE ACTIVE - I have to keep myself active and occupied.  So I took on a part time job which 

     was great and I still have time for my family and most importantly for myself.  I continued with  

     my regular exercise and at the same time, enjoyed watching movies, music, reading, cooking, 

     massage etc.

3.  BE GRATEFUL - Being grateful is the most humbling thing.  I have to thank my husband who

     was there all the way to support me during this difficult time.  I also have to thank my sister in law

     who found this treatment centre for me and together with her husband, they sacrificed a lot of time

     visiting me there and giving all their support.  Of course, my entire family including my children,

     parents, sisters, brother, mother in law, sisters and brothers in law  and niece all gave me a lot of

     encouragement and support.  So as you can see, family is very important.  They are the first

     people who come forward to help when something happens.

4.  ASK FOR HELP - When in trouble, ask for help.  Most addicts go through a stage of denial until

     they hit rock bottom.  But they are at a lost and do not ask for help.  While I was fortunate that I

     have great help from family members but at the same time, I was ready to surrender and seek help

     when the time  came.  So I am grateful for all the help that I got which made me a better person

     today.

5.  RELAPSE - No one is exempted from relapse.  This is what I learned from the treatment centre. 
     While I have been clean for many years, I cannot take things for granted.  That's why I have to
     make conscious efforts to stay active and continue with my after care program.

6.  ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE -  In the past when I was working full time and
     raising my children, I did not know how to enjoy the simple things in life.  I was working a lot
     and climbing the corporate ladder.  The only compensation I give to myself was shopping and
     buying branded goods.  So somehow I felt that my addiction problem was a blessing for me as I
     have learned to appreciate life and the simple things in life.  Having coffee with friends and family
     members, watching the flowers in my garden or elsewhere blooming, enjoying the surrounding of
     the park when I go for a brisk walk are just some of the simple things I have learnt to
     enjoy.  Today, I only earn a fraction of what I used to but I don't have to spend a lot and I am a
     much happier person. 

As a conclusion, I can safely tell you that while my addiction problem caused me a lot of money and danger to my life but at the same time, it was a blessing for me.  I have changed a lot and have a better perspective on life.  My lessons have also become a lesson for my children as they can appreciate the importance of being physically active and healthy and have a positive mind too.

For anyone battling addiction problem, you do not need to suffer in silence.  There is a local support service available.  Please call Sheila at 019-6159886 or email to sheila106@live.ie.